


Winner Takes it All

by Astrid_B_Caine



Category: Quantum Leap
Genre: Adultery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beckett farm, Canon Het Relationship, Dream Sex, F/M, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Horses, M/M, Mental Link, Mushy, Podfic Welcome, Post-Canon, Post-leap, Threesome - F/M/M, zine fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:40:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrid_B_Caine/pseuds/Astrid_B_Caine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's home with his loving wife Donna and everything is happy happy!</p><p>Al is certain this is as it should be, except he remembers his sexual/romantic relationship with Sam while he was leaping, during which time Donna had made him swear not to tell Sam about her. Now that Sam's back, it's looking like he doesn't remember his relationship with Al, and Al is heartbroken, but can't bring himself to drive a wedge into the marital bliss that Sam and Donna seem to be having.</p><p>Pretty much nothing is as it seems when Al has a very strange dream.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in Wham, Bam, Thank You, Sam Issue 2 in 1994, under the name of "Winner Takes All", under the pseudonym Astrid Boötes. 
> 
> This is not the published version, I've tidied up the punctuation and shifted the whole thing into American spelling.
> 
> This story has not been Betaed. Any mistakes are all mine, 22 years ago.

Dusk was descending over the Beckett farm on the cool November evening. All was quiet as the farmhands were soundlessly finishing up their designated tasks. Sam and Donna Beckett let their horses rest from a romantic day of riding through the yellowy corn fields as they retreated to the couch of the traditionally kept country living room. The fire was sparkling and Cupid smiled down on the reunited couple's marital bliss.

Sounds cozy, doesn't it?

So why did they have to drag me along to witness it all?

Of course I could have refused when Sam asked me to spend the so-called post-leap vacation on the farm with him and his 'wife', but on what ground? I could hardly have told him I couldn't handle watching Donna enjoying doing all the things I wanted to do to him. I couldn't have said, 'Sorry kid, but I want your buns just as much as your wife, so please leave her behind.' That'd fly over real nice! If I had, you could have timed Sam's fastest sprint. He'd've run like a bat out of hell.

So I kept quiet and like a good little doggie consented.

Besides, there was no way I could have said no. Well, can you refuse a man who's been bungling around in time, lost to his own reality, for over four years? Can you refuse the man you've been waiting for for so long to leap home so you can hold him and love him forever? Can you refuse Sam if he asked you?

Not me.

So there I was. Sitting on a comfortable leather chair. In front of a comfortable warm fire. Listening to soft comfortable music. Desperately trying to shut out the sounds of soft deep breathing of a man holding his wife. And the happy sigh as she let herself be held.

_Ghod, Sam, why did you make me come with you?_

I drew on my cigar - for want of something better to suck - and let the smoke roll around in my mouth. _A poor substitute_ , I reflected. But it would have to do for now. A quick glance toward the couch, assured me for the umpteenth time that the lovers were still huddled together, obviously basking in each other's closeness.

Have you ever seen a happier couple? I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Either that, or I had become very jaded, because that was sure what it looked like to me.

Sam and Donna. Anybody would say they were made for each other. _Boy, are they wrong._ They had been the talk of the town when they had announced their upcoming marriage at the Starbright Project in '84.

'Such a beautiful couple.' Yuck! _If they only knew._

But if I looked the truth square in the eyes, I knew they really were a beautiful couple. And not just on the outside. They were probably happier now than they would have been, if Sam had never leaped.

Correction, make that for sure. If Sam had never jumped into that accelerator of his, Donna wouldn't have been here. And we would still have been lovers. And it would have been me holding him right now. _Only I wouldn't be lying there passively._

I shook my head to chase away such, ah, stimulating thoughts and decided it was time for refreshments.

"Sam?" I called softly, getting up from my seat. "You want some more wine?"

"Hmmm," came the low reply. I took it to be an affirmative and grabbed his glass as I brushed past the huddled couple.

"Donna?" I had to be courteous after all. And let's not forget the fact that she is a very beautiful woman.

"I'm fine, Al. Thanks."

_Yeah, I know._

I couldn't really blame her either. If he were mine, even through a whim of fate, time or whatever, I wouldn't let him go either.

I took my refuge into the kitchen. I hoped that away from the scorching fire and Sam's distracting nearness, I would cool down a bit.

It worked. A little.

I rested my head against the cool exterior of the refrigerator, before opening it to pour our drinks.

I decided I couldn't go on like this. _My God, we had been here only two days and I'm already climbing up the walls_. The hiatus would last till the New Year and it wasn't even Thanks Giving yet! Why I had ever consented to play the fool in this charade, was beyond me.

 _I'll have to get away from here, before I go crazy._ If it wasn't already too late. _Just give Sam his drink, run upstairs, pack, run down again, jump in the car and off I go._ Simple.

I decided Vegas this time of the year would be a great place to find myself some willing beauty. I leaned back against the kitchen table, letting the plan take form.

 _Maybe Denise would let me stay for a few days._ She was fun and always in for some good clean sex. And with her the sex was always good. Convenient loving. No strings. No screwing up my head. _Like certain mad scientists I could name._ Resigned, I pushed myself up to deliver the drinks and say my goodbyes.

But when I returned into the sitting room, I knew I would stay. _What the hell. I'm crazy already._ I must have a streak of masochism in me, maybe, but I guess I would rather go crazy and be with Sam than be sane all by myself.

'Not a very healthy attitude, Admiral,' I could hear Beeks say. _Sorry, doc, but have you ever been beaten by the fourth dimension?_ Let me tell you. It's not easy when Time pulls the rug right out from under you.

Before Sam leaped, he was mine. But now, it seemed I never had him in the first place. _The joke's on you, Calavicci._ Time can do screwy things to a man. But changing his past is the toughest of them all.

What do you do when you're outnumbered? Pray for a miracle. _Hey, is anybody listening up there?_

I suddenly realized I had been standing in the doorway for several minutes already, so I forced myself to walk over to the couch to face the euphoric pair. As I handed Sam his drink, his fingers touched mine for a brief moment. Sinking back into my chair by the fire, I looked at my hand. There seemed to be no burn marks. _Call the vet, guys, Calavicci has really lost it now._

"Thanks, Al," Sam said softly and held up his glass. "To old friends."

"Old friends," Donna and I echoed. _Let's not forget Old Times. But it seems you already have._

I sipped on my drink, grimacing. Tonic! The most horrible invention since speed-limits. But drinking anything stronger around Sam would make him burst out in speeches I've heard enough of at the AA, thank you. _On the other hand,_ I reflected evilly, _it would refocus his attention back on me._

Nah. That wasn't the kind of attention I wanted from him. Anyway, I wasn't that desperate. So I kept on sipping my tonic and studying the fire in front of me as if everything was just fine. _What could be wrong?_

"Al?"

The soft call broke the gentle music and brought me out of my train of thought. I looked up to see two velvety green eyes staring at me openly.

"How would you like to go riding with me tomorrow?" Sam asked sincerely.

 _Yes!_ My heart skipped a beat. But when I spoke I even surprised myself. "What about you, Donna?" _Tempting fate, are you?_

The wavy haired quantum physicist disentangled herself a bit from her husband's grasp and answered pleasantly, "I think Sam meant only you."

_What?_

She couldn't have said what I just thought she had said. _Get your brain out of the bedroom, Ensign!_

"Didn't you, Sam?" Mrs. Beckett addressed her husband.

I found myself holding my breath while Sam looked a little sheepish. "Well, uh. Yes, I did," he confessed.

Ghod, she was sharp. I let out a sigh to cover up my excitement at the prospect. "Why?" _Don't push it now._

I could see Sam grow even more embarrassed, when he glanced down to inspect the carpet in front of the couch.

_Only nuns have to observe custody of the eyes, Sam. Quantum physicists are exempt from that particular rule._

"I just thought," he hedged.

"That we are in need of some good old fashioned male bonding?" I questioned, hearing too much hope in my voice. _Careful, Calavicci, don't give the game away._

Sam looked up with an apologetic smile. "Yeah. If it's alright with you," Sam asked of his wife.

She smiled gently at him.

_A couple in love. How sweet._

"Sure," she replied, "'d give me some time to do some reading."

To my great annoyance, I had to confess that Donna really was a caring, loving, beautiful woman. There was no hating her when she was around. I decided I should at least stick to hating her when she wasn't there. I would be really screwed up if I started to like her too. _As if I don't have enough problems_.

"Okay," I answered Sam's initial question. "Let's take some food along and we'll make it a picnic." Vegas forgotten, I decided that if I couldn't get what I wanted, I should grab what I could get.

"'S a deal," Sam agreed and laid his head back on Donna's arm.

 _Disss-missed!_ I imagined I heard somebody say. Deciding they were right, I straightened again and excused myself from the present company. In one last glance towards the couch, I could see Donna moving closer to Sam. I didn't stay to watch what was certain to become a very powerful, lasting kiss.

_I know, I know. The winner takes it all._

___________________________________

 

The night proved to be long and cold. Even the thick blankets thrown over Sam's old bed I was lying in didn't do a thing to warm me up. It wasn't the cold outside that kept me from warming under the comfortably thick layers of cotton and wool.

Clenching my teeth, I started to rearrange the blankets around myself so they would give me a maximum of insulation. Giving thanks to the techniques I had acquired in my early years in the Navy, I was soon tucked in like a mummy.

It helped. Marginally.

How do you warm up an ice-cube? You light a fire under it. _But the only fire that would reach me is Sam_. And he wasn't making any house-calls lately.

Marveling at the weirdness of life, I drifted in and out of sleep, till finally dawn arrived. Then I decided I'd be better off doing something, anything, so I disentangled myself and made my way stumblingly toward the bathroom.

I let the stream of scorchingly hot water pound on me until I was beginning to feel reasonably defrosted. I didn't move. Nothing was important for a while except the heat surrounding me, warming the cold within me.

 _Ghod, Sam! Even my right hand doesn't know me anymore._ Things were becoming serious.

The thought of pretty Denise in Vegas occurred to me again, but I quickly rejected it. Although the idea of crawling inside her for a few days was very tempting, I would probably be thinking about Sam all the time anyway. Not a nice way to treat a lady. Not to mention my confused hormones.

There was a soft tap on the bathroom door and a muffled sound followed it.

"Al? You still in there?"

It was a woman's voice. Somehow that surprised me. I looked at the clock by the sink and grew somewhat embarrassed when it told me I had been in here for over an hour.

"Yeah, I'll be right out," I struggled my way out of the cubicle and was half way through reaching for my bathrobe when the door was opened tentatively.

Donna slipped inside. I didn't bother to finished wrapping myself up in the robe. Well, after all. She was the one invading my privacy here, so if she didn't wish to see anything she should turn around.

I let the robe dangle as it was and picked up a towel to rub my hair dry with. Donna didn't turn away, but looked at a loss, remaining silent.

 _Which one of us is the exhibitionist here?_ I didn't know, but I realized I was getting some perverse kind of satisfaction out of the situation. Even though I was the one half naked, she was the one who was uncomfortable.

"I assume you are here for a reason," I said when she didn't speak. "Or do you want to take a shower that bad? I thought you two had one too."

"We do," Donna said softly. "Sam is using it."

 _Taking a shower alone!_ I should have guessed. Personally, I don't see the fun of bathing by yourself if you can do it with another warm body, but apparently the Becketts had their own theory about this.

I finished with my hair, certain that there wasn't a drop of water left to be found in it. I dropped the towel and finally closed the bathrobe around me. Donna blocked my path on the way out.

"I want you to know that I understand, Al."

_Like hell you do!_

Standing this close to her, we were looking at each other eye to eye. I could guess what was in her thoughts, but tried to feign innocence.

"Understand what?" _If you understand it, then you're smarter than I am._

"About Sam," she said as if that explained everything.

"Yeah, well, we're just going for a picnic."

"Please don't tell him about us, Al?"

_What?_

"Please don't tell him what we did that night." She sounded really worried. "I don't think he'd understand."

Did I say worried? Terrified was more like it.

 _Trouble in paradise, huh?_ For a brief moment I wanted to just walk away, leave my rival and take her husband and-- But I couldn't. I looked at her closely. She really was frightened that she would loose her husband. Over a one night stand with me? Nah. Mr. Wonderful Forgiveness would never leave his wife.

_Or would he?_

"Sure, he'd understand, Donna," I found myself saying, "Sam understands everything. He's a genius, remember?" To my surprise I realized I was trying to soothe her. "He knows what we've all gone through."

"I know, but he's so-" the beautiful eyes dropped for a moment. "Moral," she finished. How easily could I have taken her into my arms and-

 _What!? Now don't you start on her too, Calavicci!_ One night stands aren't supposed to complicate things. Especially one that happened more than a year ago.

_Don't forget you really hate her. She's your rival._

I gently pushed her chin up and soothingly ran one hand through her wavy mob of hair. "It only happened once, Donna. Even if he finds out, he's not gonna do anything that will turn your marriage into a soggy mudpie." _He's far too deliriously happy to have you back to let anything jeopardize this happiness._

"I know he won't leave me." Donna sounded convinced in her husband's love. "I just don't think he's as all-forgiving as you seem to think he is."

 _Isn't that supposed to be the other way around?_ Usually the wife thinks the world of the husband. The best friend knows him for the jerk he really is. _Except that Sam is no jerk, and we both know it._

I kept quiet.

"Please, Al," she repeated, "promise me you won't tell him?"

I was beginning to see that there was a flip-side to marital bliss. The fear of loosing it. If you play your cards right, Calavicci, this might be your chance to get Sam all to yourself.

"I won't tell him," I heard myself say.

_Stupid, Ensign. You just blew your last shot at happiness._

"But this is the last promise you'll get out of me, Donna. You didn't see the look on his face, when he found out he was married and I hadn't told him." _Real reproach._ Makes my skin crawl when I think about it. _Never again,_ I silently vowed.

"Thanks Al." She looked a little too relieved. Apparently this was going to solve all of her problems.

"I don't think Sam is all-forgiving, Donna," I added, "but not telling him about this might be worse than confessing."

'I'll chance it,' her eyes said. Then she was gone.

For the life of me I didn't know why I was helping her keep her husband. I shrugged at the perverseness of the situation and returned to my room to find myself some clothes.

___________________________________

 

Fully dressed in a few of the more expensive and colorful pieces of my post-leap wardrobe, I carried myself downstairs with all the dignity becoming an Admiral, astronaut and former holographic time-traveler. I found Donna and Sam sitting across from each other at the kitchen table.

Oatmeal, milk, coffee, eggs, orange juice. All frightfully healthy, but I resigned myself to it.

Breakfast was silent and blissfully quick and the picnic basket ready-made, so we were soon on our way. Donna didn't say much when we left, she just gave me a very meaningful look, which I took to be a reminder of my promise.

 _Why do I always end up promising her stuff that make me have to lie to Sam?_ That'd be another one for Beeks to figure out, I decided. Meanwhile I had to stick to my promise. Which didn't mean I had to like it.

So I gave Donna a look in return that conveyed just that, before dragging her loving husband out the door. Thankfully, Donna disappeared inside.

"More Lemaître [*2], I suppose?" I leaned closer to Sam in a conspiratorial fashion.

His grin was my reward. "No, she knows that by heart. Nowadays it's the Bhagavad Gita." [*3]

"Philosophy? I never knew she was interested in that kind of stuff."

He shrugged. "I guess she wants to know why things happen to us."

_Don't we all?_

"Let me know if she's found an answer." I briefly put my hand to his stomach, then turned to find the stables. I felt Sam staring after me for a few seconds before joining me.

"Hi, Vasterd," Sam called out when we entered the building.

From what I've been able to make out, Vasterd was a school buddy of Sam's. He had coached the simple man through high school and gotten him through the exams. I guess Sam's dad took him on as a farmhand after that as he's been here for as long as I've known Sam.

"Mornin'!" Vasterd emerged from behind a beautiful white stallion to smile his hellos at us. "They're saddled and ready." He pointed to the far end of the stables where two dark coated horses were waiting for us to take them out.

When we had arrived a few days ago, he came to me to thank me for taking good care of 'his family' and bringing Sam home safely. I don't know if he knew what we had been doing, or even whether he'd understand if we tried to explain, but he certainly realized Sam had been in danger and was relieved to see him back alive. Ever since then I've been treated like one of the 'family' by him. I silently promised to be worthy of such treatment.

"Even got you a hook to hang the basket from, Al." Vas said warmly. His grin was contagious.

"Thanks, Vas," I told the tall, smiling man. "Have you got second sight or something? We only decided to go on a picnic yesterday."

"Yeah, I guess I do." He quickly glanced at Sam and received a wink from the scientist. They both grinned at each other, but I pretended not to notice anything.

"Well, I'll remember that in case I want to have my fortune read."

"I only read fortunes on appointment, so be sure to make one in advance."

"I will, Vas." I smiled at the caretaker. "Who knows? I might need it one day."

Sam came up behind me, leading one horse and riding the other. The one he offered to me had a white spot on his forehead, but other than that, they looked enough alike to be twins.

"Meet Fjalar," Vas said courteously. "Fjalar, this is Al." he stroked the horse across the manes and whispered, "Take good care of him, he's a dear friend of mine."

The horse nodded. And my heart melted. "Thanks, Vas." I climbed on and we positioned the basket in place.

"I'll be here when you want that fortune read," he assured me. "Have a good picnic, you two!"

With that we left a happy Vasterd to his chores and rode out of there into the blue unknown.

 


	2. Part 2

Actually it was yellow. Everything was yellow in the spacious Indianan countryside. I couldn't imagine a more peaceful place for Sam to grow up in. Being there and absorbing the atmosphere of Sam's boyhood-land laid a feeling over me of finally totally understanding the man I was riding with.

I had always known his background. He'd never made a secret about where he was from. He was actually very proud of being a Hoosier. Yet it had always been hard for me to realize just what his home had been like. Even though I've been at his home at other times, this time was different. Blame it on being a big city kid, blame it on a misspent youth. Either way, nothing had ever prepared me for the utter quiet and space surrounding us right now. The quiet that was part of Sam. I wondered if it could ever be part of me.

We were riding at a quick pace and Fjalar was like Pegasus without the wings. I let the wind cut through my clothes, vacuuming me all the way through, breezing away all that time travel dust. Sam was riding just a bit ahead of me and I could see him bobbing rhythmically up and down on his saddle and flow naturally with the movements. He was sixteen again. I could see it in his entire frame. _At least we have the same age now,_ I thought fondly.

After what seemed like hours of riding the wind, Sam spotted a lone tree in one of the corn fields. _Making love in the fields has always been one of my favorite ways._ But I feared that was not what Sam had in mind.

I sighed at the thought when I realized we were slowing to a halt underneath the overhanging tree.

"Picnic time?" I questioned.

"Unless you know some place better?" I got the impression he really meant that to be an honest question.

I shook my head and tried to take him seriously. "No, I trust your judgment." _On just about anything._

Sam made a perfect sweep with his left leg and got off his horse. I disengaged the basket from my saddle and handed it to Sam. He bent down to eagerly prepare everything for a perfect picnic. The thought came to me that we had never gone on a picnic when we were lovers. We'd never done anything restful during that time, what with the project just starting to get in shape. Except that one time when Beeks declared us unfit for duty and forced us on a vacation. In that sense this was really the first time for us to do anything remotely romantic. Unfortunately, this time we weren't lovers.

"Al!"

Sam's insistent voice brought me out of a haze. I looked down to see him looking up at me, a little bewildered.

"Where were you just now?" He was standing so close, his arm was gently touching my leg.

I quickly refocused my attention to the questioning eyes. "Just," I waved towards the distance, "just out there, I guess."

Sam inhaled deeply and took a good look around. "It's hypnotic, isn't it?" He seemed to feel the same.

"It's almost as good as flying," I heard myself say.

It was true. Flying was better, but this came damn close.

_Especially with you here._

"I agree," he murmured absently. For a moment I wondered if he could have read my mind, but quickly decided we were not _that_ well in tune. Though there have been times!

"Are you gonna get down from there?" His smile was draining all my reason from me.

_Wanna come up and get me?_

"Love to, but you know how I am about heights."

I wasn't sure if I had spoken out loud or he really had read my mind.

Sam tugged playfully at my leg and added, "It's easier for you to come down if we still want to have this picnic."

I found I didn't really wish to know the answer to this question, so I slowly climbed off Fjalar and was greeted by two loving arms as I touched the ground. Something in me had craved this closeness for God knows how long and I clung to him like an octopus. I imagined to feel the same urgency in his embrace.

The hug seemed to settle a lot of unvoiced and unvoiceable feelings between us. I just wondered if Sam knew what I was thinking now. _Perish the thought._ And yet, I would have given my soul to know that he was thinking the same.

After what seemed to be longer than the acceptable time for hugging between two men I pushed a little away to take a good look at my closest friend.

"Welcome home, kid," I all but whispered.

Sam didn't let me go, as I had expected him to. Instead he pulled me close again and sighed. "Thanks, Al." I heard the muffled words choke a little and feared he was on the verge of a crying belt.

"Hey," I pulled away slightly and forced eye contact. "Easy, kid. We're safe now."

"Yeah." He shook a little in my arms, but there were no tears. "Thanks to you."

I felt an almost irresistible urge to kiss him, but clamped down on it. Hard. _Wouldn't do to scare the daylights out of him now._

"Well," I tried to keep my tone light. "I was glad I could help, kid. And since I'm no longer a hologram, whaddaya say we attack that basket?"

He drew a shaky breath and smiled at me lopsidedly. "Good idea." He grinned wickedly and added, "but if there's only one piece of peach cobbler, _I'm_ taking it."

"No way! I didn't get anything last time!"

We let each other go and knelt down on the spread blanket.

_Ghod, I wish I could hold him forever._ But the contact was broken and I had to remind myself he didn't belong to me anymore. I would have to make do with this memory for a long time to come.

" _You_ were a hologram last time," he reminded me, seemingly unaware that my lifeline had just been cut. "It would've been a little hard for me to share anything with you."

I was about to unceremoniously turn over the basket, when Sam grabbed it from my hands. He began unpacking it systematically. _Always my Sam._

"So you owe me then, kid." I was convinced I had won, until Sam uncovered two pieces of peach cobbler. He handed one over.

"Satisfied?" Sam beamed with pleasure.

"Since I'm in a generous mood," I told him in my best authoritarian persona, "you can have the second one."

"Why, thank you. _Admiral_!"

I was glad we were keeping the mood light and hoped Sam would stay off any heavy subjects for the rest of the meal. I didn't really feel up to lying eloquently in these open surroundings.

_Could it be you're developing a conscience, Ensign Calavicci?_ I wondered. Something in the vastness of this place called for honesty. _It'll have me acting like Sam in a minute._ I hoped not. I didn't think our friendship could handle the kind of truths I had tucked away. _Leave that kind of stuff for the loony bin, ensign. You can tell 'em all about it as soon as they sign you in._

We dug into the food, of which there was plenty and we were munching in silent companionship for a while. From the corner of my eye I could easily study Sam in one of his unguarded moments.

_Ghod, he's beautiful._ No way you can turn or twist him and let it come out any other way. He really was beautiful.

Of course I imagined I could see all those things I knew were in his soul. And maybe I could. I knew what he was like. I had seen his thoughts. _Even from the inside out, once._ He was the purest being I had ever encountered. And no matter how much I tried to deny it, I was still in love with him. _Not even Time could wash that away._

"Penny for your thoughts, Al."

_Oh no, baby. You don't want to know._

I looked up to see Sam lying stretched out on the large blanket, eyes boring into me. _Think fast, Ensign!_ But nothing came from my mouth.

Sam sighed deeply and seemed to take my silence for what it was. A no trespassing sign.

"It's so quiet here," he murmured, "I can almost forget the past thirty years and turn sixteen again."

_Bingo! I knew it!_ I finished the last of the food I thought my stomach could handle. I tossed the rest of the goodies back in the basket and moved to sit next to my favorite physicist.

"Would you forget the good times as well as the bad, Sam?" I questioned softy.

"Never," he said with conviction.

I let my body lie down on the soft cover and propped my head up on my folded arms in front of me.

"I wouldn't wish to forget any of it," he breathed. "Even the bad times were good, Al."

I peered at him through half closed eyes, letting the sound of his voice come over me like a waterfall. _So I'm turning into a hopeless romantic. So sue me._

"How's that, kid?"

Sam rolled over on his side to face me. A wave of desire surged through me at the sight of him like this, but I was careful not to act on it. I kept very, very still. And just listened.

"Well," he said slowly, as if harboring a great secret. "Even when it got very bad, I was doing what I had always dreamed of." He inhaled deeply. "I was traveling _through time_!" His voice held all the awe that such a great achievement was due.

I understood what he was feeling. Even though things did get a little out of hand - _a_ _little?_ \- despite that, he had done exactly what he had dreamed of since he was four. How many people can claim that?

"I guess you're destined to have your dreams come true." I kept my voice below a whisper, so as not to provoke the Gods. Not that I believed in any of them anymore, of course. But it never hurt to be on the safe side.

"That's largely due to you, Al." Brightness was shining in his eyes again. "Thank you, my friend."

That was the second time he thanked me, but I didn't feel I deserved that much credit. "I didn't bring you back, Sam. Ziggy did."

"But you kept me sane. And God only knows how much I needed that sometimes."

I heard his voice break again, and had to resist the urge to pull him those few inches closer and press him against me. _How long can I resist you, Sam?_ My defenses against this man were rapidly crumbling.

_Run, Calavicci, run before you do some damage that can't be undone_. But I couldn't move. The damage had been done long ago.

"I didn't do anything you haven't done for me a thousand times over, Sam," I assured him. "I'm the one who is grateful to have been a part of this adventure." _I am grateful, except that I lost you in the process._ "I just wish..."

"What?" Sam's hand reached out to me as if he knew.

_Deep down you must remember, Sam._

Sam's green eyes were searching my face as if he were finding some long lost truths there. Hope that Time hadn't completely erased the memory of us from Sam's mind was starting to hurt in my chest, threatening to choke me.

Then his fingers found my chin and stayed there, driving me crazy at the feathered touch. Still I didn't move. _If this is the price I have to pay for my sins, let it be the sentence of a lifetime._

A sigh escaped me. "Oh, God." I was drowning in the arms of my beloved. _What a way to go!_

The vision before me moved a little and I was being turned onto my back. Sam rolled over to lie alongside me, supported on one arm with his face hovering over me. _Crowned by the bright blue of the autumn sky._

"It's yours," I whispered. Whatever was coming, I wanted it.

_Are you kidding?_ A voice in the back of my head persisted. _This is not what it looks like to you, ensign. Don't you be getting your hopes up, now. He is not holding you like a lover, he's holding you like a friend._

But my hormones would not accept this reasoning.

"What's mine?" Sam questioned with a half smile on his lips.

_Life, the Universe and everything_. I vaguely wondered if 42 would be the answer here. Actually I felt more like 69. _But hey, I'm always up for something new._ If it involved numbers, I was sure Sam would know the right answer.

_Your call, Sam._

"Anything you want," I breathed. _But, please let it be soon._ My heart was hammering its way out of my chest and I wasn't at all sure Sam had any idea he was the cause of it.

"I want," Sam said slowly, "to give back to you, what I took away."

I could see him closing in on me, my lips as his destination, but my overworked brain still refused to believe this was happening. "What you took away..?" I stammered.

" _Me_ ," he said as the last couple of millimeters left between us vanished. His lips touched mine and for a while there was no thought.

Soft sweetness that I had always known as Sam washed over me, flooding my heart, spilling over my eyes. I wanted this. My body craved this. My arms went up around him and I pulled him close - _finally close_ \- in a virgin kiss. Never before performed, yet I remembered it and rejoiced in the memory.

I heard a moan and for a moment I thought it came from my throat. It was his. I realized the tears trickling down my face weren't all mine, either. I opened my eyes and broke the kiss, bringing my hand up to wipe the beautiful face.

"Sam." There was nothing more I could say as he held my eyes with his and seemed to be gasping for air.

"Al, I'm so sorry." Again his voice broke.

This time my heart broke with it and I gathered him close to me to soothe out his pain. Sam eagerly moved into the embrace, desperately holding onto me.

_Take him, Calavicci. You've got him now._

No, not now. Sam wasn't himself. He was hurting and probably didn't know what he was doing.

I suddenly realized with sickening clarity, it may have been a little optimistic of us to think he wouldn't have any ill effect from his time leaping around. I had wanted to believe everything would be turning to normal now - or what was normal for Sam. Even though Beeks had said he was recovering quite well; now, I wasn't so sure anymore.

After a while the sobs were dying down. Hands were stroking my body. I had the strangest feeling that I didn't know which one of us was the soother and which one was the soothee. Deciding it didn't matter, I let my own hands stroke his shivering body, murmuring calming nothings into his ear.

Suddenly my mind drew a comparison with my time in 'Nam. Thinking back, I had spent years recuperating from that. It was unreasonable to think Sam could do it in a few months. No matter how much of a genius he was, he was a very sensitive man and didn't have the background for taking life's blows like I had. When I was repatriated, for years I had needed a warm body to hold onto and had taken any body I could find that was willing.

Now Sam needed my help, I would be there for him. Lust would have to wait.

_You fool, you're throwing away your last chance!_

I ignored the persistent urgings of my body and mind and channeled all my concentration towards the man in my arms.

Sam pushed himself up a bit, so I could look into his tear streaked face. I realized my eyes were just as wet, tears trailing rivers down my cheeks and grinned at him in embarrassment. "Aren't we a pair!"

Sam laughed a little at that and brushed my face with the back of his hand like I had done a few minutes ago. "It's okay, Al," he said as if I needed to be comforted. "I'm here now."

_Hey,_ _ you're _ _the one with the problem, kid. Not me._

"I won't leave you again," he breathed before bending down to kiss me again.

"No!" I pushed him away from me.

_I can't handle this_ , I realized. _Either you're the one who's hurt, and I will comfort you, or we decide to forget about your wife and make love. Please don't screw up my mind by mixing the two._ I had trouble enough as it was.

"Al." Sam sat up, but didn't take his hands off my body. He looked down, avoiding my eyes. "I -- I thought you remembered," he stammered.

_I wish you did,_ I pleaded desperately. Then I hardened myself for what I had to do.

"I don't think this is a good idea, Sam."

Making love to me wouldn't solve his problems and he'd hate me afterwards for ever letting it happen. I realized Donna was right. Sam was very moral and now I was faced with it, I couldn't step over that line either. Not when he doesn't know what he's doing. Even if it meant I had to lie to him.

_Even if he wants you to?_ Even then.

I could see confusion in those bright green eyes of his and had to look away. "I think you should get over all of this first. I'll be there for you when you need me, but anything further," I considered my words carefully, "anything more wouldn't be smart right now, Sam."

"Al, I'm sorry," he repeated and removed his grip on me, leaving me empty and cold. "I thought you needed this."

_I_ _needed this?_ I realized this was more serious than I thought. _Sam, baby, you've got it all turned around._ I sat up and brushed his cheek in fatherly affection. "Sam, I know you're in need of a lot of loving now. But I think you should look to your wife for that."

_I didn't know you had it in you, ensign._

I looked down to his hands and resisted picking one up. "You'd hate us if we did this. You'd hate me. And I don't want that to happen."

_For once I want to love somebody only for the right reasons. Not just because it's convenient._

This time it was Sam's hand that brought my chin up to face him. "Are you sure, Al?" he asked shyly.

I nodded and was rewarded by a blinding smile that sent heat waves up and down my chest. _Ghod, it's a wonder there isn't any smoke coming from under my clothes._

Sam's expression showed more concern for me than for himself. _Always thinking about everybody except yourself, aren't you?_ That was the way he was, and it was the way I loved him. But he'd have to start thinking about himself now. That meant I had to step aside.

"But if you change your mind," Sam said in soft tenor tones, "I'll be here, Al."

_Bless you,_ Sam. I smiled. He still thought he needed to comfort me. Little did he know that I was taking care of him, instead of the other way around. I decided not to take his feeling of protection away from him and answered, "Thanks, kid. I hope Donna realizes she's got the catch of the century." _Oh, great. Playing the martyr now._

Sam drew me close into a hug again, but quickly let me go. "I love you, Al," he whispered.

My heart skipped another beat. _You'll put me into cardiac arrest, if you keep this up._

"I know," I all but whispered. "I love you too, kid." _Hey, as long as we're being so honest._

Sam let go of me completely and searched my face before he added, "I could never hate you. Whatever happens."

That was the last to be said on the subject that day. We both lay down to enjoy the splendor and quiet of the corn fields in autumn, until the cold chased us off the ground and onto our horses again. The ride back was magnificent, wondrous, swift and very quiet.

___________________________________

  
  


_What have I done?!_

When it was night again and I lay in Sam's bed, breathing his fragrance in just about everything around me, the realization struck me. I had turned Sam down!

_He was about to commit adultery with me and I turned him down!? I must really be ready for the nut house._ I couldn't believe I had really done what I had done.

_When would I ever have another chance like the one I just blew to smithereens?_ Never, that was for sure.

"Oh, boy," I muttered as I tried to clutch the blankets tighter around my body.

_Face it, ensign._ This heralded the real complete and utter end to my relationship with Sam. _The romantic one, that is._ _No more hopes, no more soft touches. No more doubts about him remembering._ I had just said no and Sam would hold me to that. There was no going back. _Especially not to another lifetime._

I guessed that was the price to pay for the chance to travel through time. Although it was easier to pay it with Sam in my arms, than being in a cold bed all by myself, freezing certain parts of my anatomy off. 

But that was the whole clinch to this reasoning I've been conning myself with. I wanted to pay the price. Just as long as I didn't have to pay the price.

"Beeks!" I called into the darkness. "Time to get out the straitjacket." _You've tried your best, doc, but it seems I've cracked at last._

"You're not crazy, Al."

For a moment I thought I had dreamed hearing the calming words and the soft voice I loved so much. Then a weight settled on the bed, shifting the mattress.

"Sam?" I sat up and through the darkness I could make out the size and shape of the person on my bed. They were all Sam's. "I must be dreaming." It could have been a question, but somehow it wasn't.

"Then let me dream with you."

_I know I'm dreaming._ But as long as I was dreaming Sam was here, I had better make the best of it. Who knows, this might be a once in a lifetime dream, and I had already blown my first chance at having him, I wasn't about to loose the second.

"If you're lucky, Al," Sam purred close to my ear, "life'll give you one shot at true love."

_And you're mine,_ we both thought.

Ghod, this dream was good! We could even read each other's thoughts.

I reached out and Sam moved into my arms as if that had been the sole purpose of his life. I knew it was mine. _From the moment I met you, you became my life._

"I know. And you're my life." Sam pushed me back onto the bed, hovering over me like he had this morning.

_Touch me, Sam. Kiss me._ My mind was pleading and begging for his touch, riding a whirlwind of emotions. Then the beautiful frame of his body lowered itself over me and our lips touched again. This time my body reacted violently and I crushed him against me, invading his mouth with my tongue. I tried to merge with him and when I couldn't, I moaned into him.

_*Slowly, slowly.*_ The words floated toward me through the mist of passion that was clouding my brain. _*We have all night.*_

I calmed down a bit and let Sam explore my body for a while. I realized I could ride this dream for as long as I wished. _No wake-up-call on dairy farms and I haven't set the alarm for tomorrow morning._

Sam giggled into me. "The best dreams don't let themselves be interrupted by alarms, Al. You should know that." Somewhere in my fevered mind I couldn't quite believe we were having this conversation, but I quickly dismissed it as not being any weirder than anything else that was happening.

Then I was being kissed again. Sam's body was pressing against mine, hips rubbing together in flaming passion. The incoming tide was crowding out all reasonable thought on my part and I was riding the waves like a splendid surfer who had lived in the desert for years.

Sam's body was firm and yielding under my touch. In turn Sam matched my every move on him and added a few of his own. Passion soon turned into ecstasy and took on an urgency beyond my control. _Ghod, Sam. You feel so good._ I found myself begging for him to remember our past that had been erased by time.

_*This is your dream, Al. Of course I remember what we had.*_

His hands at my loins were driving me crazy. I craved his mouth on mine and immediately felt our lips touch, his tongue starting to fence with mine.

_*I could never forget this,*_ his thoughts assured me. Sam's hands encircled my back and his mouth left mine to find a sensitive spot on my chest. My body arched into the velvety touch. Teeth gritted to ward off the orgasm I felt was near.

_Not yet. Not yet._

I wanted to hold onto the feeling of sheer love and passion for just a little while longer. I wanted to know it was Sam who had pushed me onto this exquisite edge of pleasure. I wanted...

But the moment was too intense to hold any longer and I was starting to fall. I knew Sam was ready and in a final effort, by force of will alone, I pulled him over the edge with me, making the fall last.

I held onto his soul and he held onto mine, while an eternity passed us by in blissful silence.

"Al."

My muscles responded sluggishly as I commanded them to take Sam in my arms again. I sighed as I hugged him to me.

_On a scale of one to ten, I give this dream a fifteen._

"Al."

Okay, make that fifteen and a half because Sam is still in my arms.

I checked around the sheets and found parts of it to be clammy. _You would expect a dream as perfect as this one to do away with the wet spots, wouldn't you?_

_*AL!*_

I looked up to the most precious thing in the world. "What, baby?" I purred. "Time to turn into a pumpkin again?"

Sam smiled leisurely at me and stretched a little in my arms. "No, we have all night." Even though his tone was light, I could see there was something burning in that noggin of his.

_What is it then?_ I let my thoughts reach out to him.

_*Do you want this, ah, dream to continue?*_

"Ghod, what a question!" _I want to have this dream for the rest of my life, you overgrown prodigy!_ "You are my life. I couldn't turn you away even if I wanted to." _And I don't._

Sam's bear hug was answer enough for me. I realized I had never dreamed anything as vivid as this since Nam, and maybe not even then. But I didn't care about the weirdness and the solidness of the dream. All I cared about was that this dream was happening and it was mine.

_*And mine, Al.*_

And I would hold onto it with all my might for as long as I could. And for as long as my dream-Sam would have me. But on that count, I wasn't very worried.

I pulled Sam into a kiss again and told him to prepare himself for some good loving. If it was up to me we weren't half finished for this night. _And it's my dream, so-_

_*-it's up to you.*_

_I'll make it good, Sam,_ I vowed. _I'll make it the best you've ever had._

___________________________________

  
  


Morning came a bit hazy. It was almost a relief to see fog crowding the windows. It seemed a marvelous reflection of my state of mind.

After last night's dream I had half expected to find Sam in my arms this morning, but the cold reality was, I woke up alone. The bed, however, felt more than slept in and the cold was reaching my skin through the clammy sheets. I quickly jumped out and threw on a robe, not really surprised to find my pee-jays crumpled at my feet. I must have kicked them off at some point, though my mind wasn't very clear on when. _Maybe I didn't put them on in the first place._ I certainly didn't remember being bothered by them at any point. _But I guess that's how dreams are sometimes._

I found my way through several undefined doors to the shower, took a second to be relieved it wasn't in use and crawled under the warm rays. I wondered how I was ever going to face the euphoric couple this morning. _I could just play sick and stay up here all day._

But the thought of being cooped up in a couple of rooms for more than a few hours was even less attractive than the alternative. So I steeled myself for a lot of uncomfortable moments.

_Ghod, Sam, you're hard_. Forgetting was one thing. Twisting my gut with what we couldn't have was another.

I sighed deeply and let the warmth soak my skin for a while. Then started to think.

I knew it wasn't his fault really, he didn't know what he was doing to me. But my defenses were breaking. Last night's 'happening' had proved that to me more than anything could have. I couldn't keep this charade of happiness and contented togetherness up any longer.

_You've got to remember, Sam._ You've got to! I couldn't be expected to hold a secret of this magnitude all by myself. I needed his help. But he wasn't here for me. At this time when I needed him most he wasn't here and I was left to struggle and drown in forgotten truths on my own.

_I can't breathe, Sam. We both started this, why do I have to deal with it alone? Why aren't you throwing me a lifeline? Just for old time's sake. Am I not even worth that much to you?_

Hurt beyond words, a realization started to form in my sluggish mind.

_You didn't even hold out a hand to me, like you did so many people. In all my life I've never met a man as hypocrite as you are. Pretending to be the savior of all who are in need. All except your closest friend. All except the one who could mess up your cozy little life, just by loving you._

Anger was quickening my washing ritual to the point of inefficiency.

_Screw all the people you've helped. They didn't come close to you. They didn't get under your skin. But I do. And you're denying me the right of passage. You're a self-centered bastard, thinking only of your own happiness. I was right when I punched you in the mouth for interfering with my career at Starbright. Saving my job, hah! Let's not kid ourselves. You just thought about what was best for you. It was always you. Never me. You never gave an ounce of hoot's squoggles for what happened to me._

I stepped out of the shower and let the cold sink into my wet skin, suddenly desensitized by my new realization. I had been a fool to believe Sam was the Earth and Sky. I had finally seen the man for what he was. My life was a mess, and it was all his fault.

My mirror image looked angrily at me, seeing me for the fool I was, in undeniable truth.

_For all that, may God help me._

_I still love him._

 


	3. Part 3

I was careful to stay out of any of the Becketts' way that day and I was succeeding rather well, too. Breakfast had been a bit quiet and strained, but neither Sam nor Donna seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. _Not that anything has changed exactly, apart from the fact that my second favorite organ has been trampled to a pulp by a self-centered, puppy dog eyed quantum physicist._ Everything was just fine.

I didn't know why none of them noticed all the blood I knew was pouring from my chest. I could feel it leaking like Niagara Falls and staining my silver silken shirt beyond repair. _Must be, they only have eyes for each other._

That thought didn't please me one bit, so I took my refuge to the stables once again.

 _I bet you couldn't erase a horse's memories by merely tampering a bit with its past._ Why then could it happen with Sam's?

When I walked into the spacious building, Fjalar was there to greet me lovingly, rubbing his nose against my hands in welcome.

"Well, good morning to you too," I purred at the animal, stroking his long manes. "At least you and your buddy are still together, Time hasn't changed that."

As if on cue the impressive brown coated horse Sam had ridden the other day sniffed and approached me shyly. I let him lick my hands before running my fingers through his thick manes. "Hi there, big one, what's your name then?"

"It's Grim." [*4]

I turned around to see Vasterd entering the stables carrying two huge buckets. He looked happy and sunny as ever.

"Hi, Vas," I returned the smile he gave me. "Just sparking up some conversation here."

"So I see." He let his burden go and approached Grim and Fjalar like an old friend. He conjured up some candy from out of nowhere and fed it to the twin horses. They rubbed their heads against the tall man's body in a kitten like fashion. "They're in a talkative mood today," Vas told me, "it was a full moon last night."

 _That would explain a lot of things,_ I reflected absently.

Vasterd offered me some of the pieces of candy he seemed to be able to conjure up at will and let me feed them to the horses. "Have you come here for your fortune, Al?"

Wide eyed blue innocence stared at me, making me feel 12 and 200 years old at the same time. "Well, I forgot to make an appointment, so..."

"Appointments are for city people," he interrupted, "Family can have one any time. You want one, I assume."

 _That was no question._ He knew. Even though I hadn't before I came in here. I didn't _want_ my fortune read, I needed it.

I nodded and let myself be guided towards the back of the stables by Vasterd's gentle hands. We sat down on a big stack of hay, barely held together by strings. Grim and Fjalar followed us and contentedly started munching our seats.

"Guess they're quite used to these proceedings?" I grinned at Vasterd.

"Oh, yes," he smiled confidently at me, "I've done this once before, you know."

"Once, already? You're a regular soothsayer then!"

"A what?" he looked a little bewildered.

"A fortune teller."

"Oh."

Vasterd wasn't listening anymore. Instead he was looking me over, seemingly memorizing the contours of my body, the shape of my face, the way I sat. _Looking into my soul._

"Wouldn't your rather look at the lines on my hand?" I offered him my right.

"No," Vas said absently, "I need your whole history. A hand is too small for that." He kept searching my entire frame, sometimes touching my clothes to determine the shape underneath.

There was a time that I would have welcomed such scrutiny. Now, I felt too exposed. There were too many secrets that couldn't stand the light of day.

_Why did I consent to this in the first place? Why didn't I go to Vegas? I could be basking in Denise's soft arms by now and she'd keep me busy enough so I'd never have to think again. Why in heaven and earth am I not getting the hell out of here?!_

_Why, ensign?_ a menacing voice answered. _You know why! Because a) you're too stupid to run while you can, and b) you'd be even more miserable than you are now._

The answer was no big surprise really. I would stay.

Vasterd was touching my face with both hands now. I tried to keep as still as possible as my eyes, temples, cheeks and mouth were lightly fingered. The situation vaguely reminded me of a Vulcan Mind-meld. I just hoped Vas couldn't really read my mind. _Talk about scary._

When I couldn't stand it anymore I whispered, "anything on my future yet?" _In all the years of leaping around in time, I never thought I'd be the one to ask that particular question._

"Shhh," Vas closed his eyes and his breathing slowed to a deep quiet rhythm. "I'm still working on your past," he murmured, "it's clouded."

I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on steadying my own breathing. Not to help poor Vas sort through my past, but to control my nerves and to keep me from taking off in twenty-three different directions.

"Navy – women – space. All very clear." Vas inhaled deeply as he cupped my cheek in both hands, bringing back suppressed memories. "Behind that rests..."

 _Saammm!_ My mind cried out for my lost love, while my body was frozen to the spot.

"...a-ban-don-ment," Vas whispered close to my face.

I opened my eyes and looked at the handsome red-skinned features. I found myself in a position that seemed open to only two choices: kiss him or go crazy. Somehow I kept from doing either. At least, I kept from kissing him.

Vas blinked and focused on me, letting my face go. The spell seemed to be broken. "A-ban-don-ment," he repeated, "means leaving someone alone, doesn't it?"

I sucked in the breath I had forgotten to take during the past minute and let it out slowly. _This stuff with Sam has got my marbles flying kites with my hormones._

"Sort of," I answered Vas' question, "it's more than that though." But I didn't much feel like getting into one of my least favorite subjects with him. To Vas I wasn't an Admiral or a drunk or any of the other things people have labeled me to be over the years. He just saw me as Sam's friend and I liked to keep it that way.

Vas looked me over intently once more. "I can't find your future, Al," he said solemnly.

"Why not?" A strange kind of relief washed over me.

He touched my face in gentle stroke across my cheek. "Your past is interfering." His eyes were full of compassion, telling me what he had seen saddened him.

Was it my past or my future that saddened him? I didn't know. Didn't really want to know either, I realized.

But Vas touched my face for the last time, stroking my cheeks and temples with gentle fingers. "Something there is holding onto you," softly murmured words, frightening me to the core. "Won't let go. Pulling you back. Your future. He is in your... p-past?"

I couldn't believe what he had said. Vas looked like he didn't understand it himself. I had to order my mouth to close and my lunges to move before I could think again. In a strange way he had just hit the bull's eye. 'He' was in my past. But was he in my future?

"What does it mean, Al?" Vas regarded me fearfully.

"I don't know."

"A-ban-don-ment hurts," Vas said softly, "doesn't it, Al?" I couldn't help but notice that he accentuated each syllable of the damning word as if it was part of an alien language to him. For his sake I prayed it would stay that way.

"Yes, Vas, it does," I had to swallow to keep my voice straight. "But you won't ever have to feel that, I promise." _I promise_. "We're family now, right?"

Vas nodded, still not comprehending.

"When you've got family, you'll never be alone again," I touched his arms and looked him in the eyes, making sure he understood. "You and I, we'll never be alone. We have each other. And you have your horses."

"And we have Sam," Vasterd finished softly.

"Yes," I lied, "and we have Sam."

_You have Sam, dear Vas. And Donna has Sam. I have memories._

"Al." Vas let go of me completely but held me with his eyes. "You must tell him."

"Tell him what?"

Vas gave me a blank look as if the answer was obvious. "What you need to tell him, of course."

 _Of course. What could I have been thinking?_ Unfortunately there was too much at stake for both of us. But how could I explain all this to Vas? And why would I even want to? _He has no place in our past, Sam._

_ My _ _past now, once it was ours._

"I'll try," I answered Vas. "Thanks for the advice, my friend."

"Brother," he corrected me.

"My brother," I echoed. Then I drew the dark man to me in a hug, as I could find nothing adequate to say to him anymore. Anything further would only complicate his life and not simplify mine. _But I thank you for trying, Vas._

"I gotta go tend to the horses," Vas whispered in my neck. He pulled himself a bit away from me. "Want to help me for a while?"

I grinned at my 'brother' and stood to stroke Grim across the ears. The horses had been keeping close to us all this time, forming a kind of seance. "I guess they're about ready for a rub down."

"Oh, they do like that," Vas said to Fjalar, "We all need that now and again."

He threw me a brush to give Grim the once-over with and picked up his own to start on Fjalar, our entire conversation seemingly forgotten.

What do you do when you don't know what to do? You work like hell until you do. _Vasterd seems to implement the theory rather literally._

My working companion gave me his brush and left the stables carrying a load of undefined stuff. I took this to mean that the care for the horses was all mine if I wanted. And I was glad to do the work.

 _There is a fine line between naivety and wisdom_. Sometimes I had trouble placing Vas on either side of that line. One thing was sure, he had a gift. I didn't know exactly what it was, but it was very special. _I hope they never find you, Vas. They'd ruin the pretty life that you have and take it all away from you. But if they ever tried, they would have to get past me first. And that ain't all that easy._

Only now I realized I had been wrong to involve Vas in my problems. Even though it had never been my plan to involve him in anything, I had somehow drawn this kind man into my sordid reality.

But who could have guessed that the joking around yesterday would lead to some real soothsaying? Five or ten years ago I wouldn't have believed what had just happened here. I wouldn't even have let myself be drawn into this kind of borderline activity.

 _Ten years ago I wouldn't even have been able to_. It had taken a Sam Beckett to show me what the outside of a bottle looked like. God only knows I couldn't have found my way out alone.

In turn I gave him everything I could after that and to this very day, all I lived my life for was to see him happy.

I couldn't help but love him then. I held him in my arms for a little while and then lost him to the uncontrollable forces of time. And then...

I still loved him. Although he no longer remembered us and all those nights we lay cuddled together for hours after making love, I still loved him.

But why couldn't I just keep on loving him and be glad we both came away alive from his years galloping around in time? Why couldn't I accept what I had, his friendship and devotion, without wanting more? Why couldn't I be happy for him, now that he had found his?

Isn't that what love is? Being happy only when he is happy? _I do love him. If he is so happy with his wife, then why am I not?_ Secure in the feelings I cherished for my mad scientist, I knew I would be content if he was. Regardless of my own loss, I would find my happiness in his happiness. But I hadn't found it. Why not?

"Are you not happy, Sam?" I asked of no one in particular.

"No, he is not."

I turned toward the unexpected answer. It came from Donna, standing at the stable doors.

"What?!" I greeted her eloquently.

She seemed a bit uncertain. Which was nothing compared with my state of mind. "You asked a question, didn't you?"

"I guess I did," I stammered, carefully continuing brushing Grim's coat. Then the penny dropped. "You said Sam's not happy. Why not?"

The lovely scientist walked over and greeted Grim and Fjalar silently, stroking their manes intimately. "He's worried about you, Al."

"Me?" My surprise slipped out before I could catch it. "I mean, _I've_ been worried about _him_ ," I quickly added, "There's no need for him to worry about me right now."

"Oh but there is, Al. And we both know it."

I could see what she was trying to do. She would be the devoted wife, taking care of the jilted lover, and then Sam could know how Wonderful and Kind his woman was. _Uh uh, honey. You're not going to have your crusade on my expense. You can just forget it. I'm not playing._

"I don't know what you mean," I said, making my tone sound as final as I could. "And since I am quite busy, as you can see..."

Donna shifted a few inches to sit down on the haystack Vas and I had just vacated. "He told me about the dream he had last night."

"What?!" She seemed to have an infuriating way of coming right to the point. And it was getting on my nerves.

"I think you could tell me about some interesting things you dreamed last night as well," she continued matter-of-factly.

_What are you, a mind reader? Has everybody around here suddenly got second sight?_

I shrugged disinterestedly at my best friend's wife, "Nothing out of the ordinary, Donna," I lied smoothly

"No?" He tone left no uncertainties about her believing me. She clearly did not.

With a last pat on his magnificent back, I left Grim's coat for what it was for the moment and sat beside her. "Look here, Donna," I used my best military tone, "a dream's just that. A dream. It's not real, only fantasy. I'm sure that whatever Sam dreamed it had nothing to do with reality and it had nothing to do with my dream." I looked at her in the hope of convincing her. Then I realized my mistake and quickly added, "If indeed I dreamed anything at all last night."

Her honest eyes told me she knew. Too much. "I'm willing to bet my husband that you did," she said softly.

"Gambling is dangerous," I told her. "After studying the Bhagavad Gita, you should know that."

"I do." She brushed away some strands of wavy hair from her face, before continuing. "And I am not gambling. Sam wasn't dreaming last night."

That one went right past me for a moment, until I caught up with it and blinked. "What do you mean, he wasn't dreaming?"

"I mean he wasn't dreaming." She was quite serious, I could tell. Yet somewhere deep inside there was panic waiting to come out. "Oh, he might have been asleep, but I'm not sure what happened wasn't real."

Suddenly panic bells went off inside me and my thoughts were racing. Clearly something strange had happened and - knowing Sam - any number of things could have caused it. The incident with the shock-therapy Sam received during one of his leaps forced itself into my mind. Who was to say what would trigger the same thing now? I feared if his ego was lost again...

"Donna-" It was all I could do to keep from grabbing her and shaking the answers out of her. "Stop beating around the bush and tell me what happened!" _If something's wrong with Sam I want to know about it. I want to help._

"He -- he was calling your name, Al," she stammered. "Not just once but many times, desperately. It scared me. I couldn't wake him up, he seemed in a trance, rather than asleep. I didn't know how to help him, so I went to get you."

"Me? I never." I had been so busy feeding my own frustrations last night, I'd never even heard her. _Oh, God, Sam. You needed me and I wasn't there for you. All the things I accused you of, and I just failed you._ "Oh my God." The realization stuck in my throat and I couldn't understand Donna's next words. "What?"

"I said you were in the same state, when I got to your room." She looked at me a bit fearful but more in control than I felt. _How can you remain so damned calm?_ Perhaps it was sufficient that only one of us went nuts. Two might be a bit much.

"I was in the same state?" I tried to prompt her into telling me everything. "What do you mean, Donna? What happened?!"

"Let go of me, Al, you're hurting me!"

I realized I had her by the shoulders, forcing an answer from her physically. I let go immediately. _Keep it together, Calavicci._

"Sorry, Donna." I felt my temperature rise in shame. "I'm just, I'm sorry." I realized I had no words for her, now that all my thoughts went out to Sam.

"I know what you're feeling Al." Donna smiled at me, it was a painful kind of smile.

"Do you?"

I couldn't help mistrusting that kind of platitude for what the words could mean. _Only Sam can say things like that and truly mean them_. I inhaled deeply to get myself under control, then tried again. "You said I was in the same state Sam was in."

"Yes," Donna's eyes immediately darkened again with worry.

 _She does love him,_ I realized. _Probably just as much as I do. Maybe differently, but just as intensely._

"And you were calling to him." Tears formed in her eyes, they did not fall, yet her voice grew light and shaky. "I was standing in the hallway, with both doors open and I could hear you both."

 _Oh my God, it wasn't a dream._ I started to realize what she was trying to tell me. Why she was so frightened. My reluctant mind had to hear what it had refused to acknowledge, yet yearned for all along. _Last night, some of it was real._

"You were answering each other, Al." With the effort of holding tears inside, Donna's words were even huskier than normal and I found they were doing things to my insides. "He was calling you and you answered him. Even in two separate rooms, it seemed like there was no distance between you."

In that moment my heart went out to Sam, to Donna and to me. All for different reasons, yet all undeniably strong. We were all touched by this. We were all hurting. Donna too, which was something that hadn't occurred to me before. I resisted pulling the hurting woman in the circle of my arms.

Then I wondered why I resisted.

_Doesn't she deserve comforting, ensign?_

_Of course she does! It's just..._

_Just what? That she's somebody's wife? It's never stopped you before, so why let it bother you now? Or don't you find her attractive? Don't tell me you've completely lost your taste for the fair sex!_

Oh God, I did find her attractive. I found her stunningly beautiful and very, very alluring. But there was a difference between comforting a woman in distress and putting the moves on my best friend's wife.

Or was there?

"You shouldn't have been able to hear each other." Donna was still talking, starting to tremble, "I could hardly make out what you were saying, but you were calling one another, making love."

_It really happened!_

The realization made its way to my heart, which I gladly opened to let it in. All questions about how it could have happened faded away as my soul filled with the knowledge that Sam had been with me for real. And he did remember us. And we had made love last night.

_And she saw it all._

Why hadn't she confronted us earlier? Why?

There were no more questions that meant anything between Donna and me as she moved into my waiting arms. Suddenly she was the one panicking and I was the one all soothing and calm. _Life works in mysterious ways,_ I reflected absently. _Or was that God works?_

"I thought it was only a dream," I whispered into her long strands of hair. _But it wasn't a dream. Sam felt it too._ The thought was intoxicating and I began reasoning it away.

_I must have been tuned into Sam's mind for so long that we reached out through that bond one more time last night. Oh, ghod, I wish he could be with me all the time._

I was stroking Donna's back, feeling the fear and confusion of both of us fall in thick hot droplets on my silk covered shoulder. My own eyes were no longer dry. _Getting to be a softy, after all these years._

But it didn't matter anymore as slowly it all became clear to me. My body was showing me the way.

 _Beautiful Donna._ I cupped her tear stricken face in my hands and looked into gorgeous open eyes.

"Al," her husky whisper found my ear, "it wasn't a dream was it?"

Her question was fearful. Her beauty my answer.

Looking at her, feeling her in my arms, so soft, I wondered how I could have been so blind. But my body wasn't, it told me exactly what it wanted. And what it wanted was here for the taking, already in my embrace.

We'd both been so worried for our friend, lover and husband for these past years that didn't even look at each other. We had drawn a line between us that led only to Sam. A line we couldn't, wouldn't cross.

 _Except for that one time._ When our endurance was tested to the limit by the man we both loved, we broke the line and loved each other instead, the way we wanted to love him. It was so beautiful and unique. _Why did we give it up so easily?_

Now I had her in my arms again, I felt like my eyes had just been opened to see what had always been right there.

"Donna," I whispered at her, "I'm so sorry."

 _I'm sorry we ever gave up what we found together that night after Sam leaped again._ That one night together, seeking comfort and closeness with each other, might have been His or Her way of showing us there was a way out of this for Donna and me. But only if we both took it. _Why didn't I hold onto you when I could?_

Maybe I was given a second chance now. _Grab it now, ensign, come what may._

"You're so beautiful," I whispered at her. I searched her lovely face for a sign of consent and found it in her relaxing curve of her mouth.

_Now, ensign, NOW! Forget her husband and all your feelings for him. It's her you really want._

"We shouldn't be doing this," I whispered softly.

"I'm married," she agreed absently, before guiding my mouth to hers.

The touch was light and just as sweet as I remembered. She tasted like she had over a year ago. Soft womanhood, with a hint of shyness, filled with sexiness. _And of Sam._

I pulled away abruptly.

_No, not Sam again! I was just starting to like this._

_*Al! What are you doing?!*_ I imagined his outrage if he knew of this.

Donna looked startled at my sudden break, but didn't run off like I half expected her to. She regarded me searchingly. Her tone was soft and caring when she spoke. Her words weren't what I expected either. "Sam's worried you're in love with him."

_Direct hit, like her usual self._

"He told you that?"

_That's not like you, Sam._

_*I didn't,*_ Sam said softly.

 _What?_ I looked around but couldn't find him anywhere within the stables.

 _*She must have figured that out by herself.*_ The sound seemed to be coming from inside myself.

 _Sam?!_ I called into my own mind, _Where are you!?_

_*I'm out riding. Where are_ you _, Al? What's happening?*_

"I don't know."

"Don't know what?" Donna asked from out of nowhere, face appearing within kissing range. I realized I had forgotten she was there.

Things were happening too fast for me, so I turned my attention back to my female companion. I reasoned I could only stay sane if I kept to what I could see and hear.

 _*Can't you hear_ _me_ _, Al?*_ Sam interrupted my shaky thoughts. I tried to ignore him.

"Don't you know if you're in love with Sam?" Donna, like a patient doctor kept prodding at me.

"I know I'm in love with you, Donna," I told her softly in a beautiful half-truth. _Lying is an art, isn't it, ensign?_

 _*I'd say you've mastered it quite well over the years.*_ Sam didn't sound very pleased.

 _Will you shut up!_ I yelled at him. _I do love your wife, y'hear!?_

 _*Well that makes two of us, then.*_ Sam retorted forcefully from within.

"Al, I love Sam," Donna said softly, "And I can see it hurts him when you shut him out."

"I haven't been shutting him out," I tried to defend myself, "I'm here, aren't I?" _Sam is why I'm here in the first place. I sure as hell didn't come here for my health._

"You're here," Donna replied softly, "but you haven't talked to him once in all the time he's been back."

 _*Why won't you talk to me?*_ Sam persisted.

The two Becketts were confusing my already overworked mind. _Sam, will you please bud out of this! What are you doing inside my mind anyway?_

"He told me," Donna continued undisturbed by my inner discussion. "Yesterday he tried to reach out to you. He knows you're hurting from being cut off from him in the past years of leaping."

_*I tried to let you know how much I care, that you're not alone, Al. But you won't let me in.*_

I couldn't keep up two conversations at once. _Go away, Sam, I can't talk to you now._

"He wants to help. He's very worried about why you're shutting him out-"

_*Please talk to me, Al, don't turn away from me.*_

"-why you won't talk to him."

"I can't," I told them desperately, feeling cornered.

"But why not?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

My outburst shocked both Donna, Sam and me into silence for a moment. Donna was the first to recover and took my hands into hers. "Loving someone is not a good reason to shut them out of your life, Al."

 _The voice of reason._ Something I was beyond at the this moment. I clutched my arms around my chest in some kind of protection. _Where's a cigar when you need one?_ Having said the damning words out loud suddenly made me feel exposed and empty.

_An emptiness only you can fill, Sam._

There was no answer.

 _Sam?!_ I reached out with my mind, calling for acceptance. I caught only silence and the emptiness grew larger, threatening to choke me.

 _Face it, Calavicci,_ I told myself. _Either Sam's left you to your fate, like any sane person would or he wasn't here in the first place, and you've obviously totally flipped!_

I found it didn't matter anymore. Either way Sam was gone and all I had left was the woman who held me fixed with her gaze, who'd likely decided I was crazy too. _Who could blame her?_

"Donna," I said, grasping at my last straw, "I meant it when I said I'm in love with you."

"I know, Al." The huskiness was back in her voice. "I sort of am too, ever since that night."

"Really?"

 _Don't act so surprised, ensign. If she didn't think you could be a threat to Sam, why would she ask you not to tell him anything about that night._ It made weird sense somehow.

"There was something very right about what we did." Donna's tone was now below a whisper. "But that's not important, is it, Al? One's life is not determined by who one falls in love with, but by who one loves." She brushed my cheek and her eyes showed an openness that I had rarely seen in anybody. "And I love Sam," she added.

Stripped from all defenses I could see how true it was. "I love him too." It seemed to be the destiny of both our lives.

_*And I love you both.*_

_Sam!_ My heart leaped out of my chest at the sound of his thoughts in mine. _You're back!_

I drew Donna in an embrace to cover up my sudden excitement, as I had no idea how to explain the irrepressible grin that was breaking out on my face.

"I wish there was a solution to this, Al." Donna continued her own train of thought. "I know he values your love as much as mine." She pulled away from me again, just enough to search my face. "And I know your love is as valid as mine. I guess he'll have to choose between us now." The thought obviously pained her.

But I was only half listening as I carried on a conversation inside with my - _our_ \- beloved.

_You're back!_

_*I never left, Al, I don't even know if I can ever leave this -- us.*_ I could feel Sam sigh heavily, but didn't know what emotion caused it. _*I just didn't know how to react. I thought you had forgotten the other time line, before.*_

 _I_ _had forgotten?!_ My mind was racing at the implications. _I thought_ _you_ _had!_ _That's why I tried to steer clear of you._

 _*Oh, Al.*_ Sam's thoughts warmed and I warmed with them. _*Wonderful dummy, you are. Why would I forget? I was the one leaping, remember?*_

_But you never showed._

_*We didn't have any time to do anything properly after I returned. First the debriefing, then Verbena forcing us all on sick leave.*_ The warmth and love from Sam's thoughts were reaching me, letting me know - like Sam always had - that there was a way to make things work. But I didn't see it yet.

 _I love you, Sam._ I couldn't hold it back anymore. I needed the freedom to tell him now. _I tried not to love you, but I can't help it. But Donna's your star crossed lover, Sam. She needs you most, so don't give her up for me._

I realized I took a leap into unselfish love for the first time in my life. I really meant it, his happiness did come before mine. _I never thought I would see this happen,_ I told myself.

 _*It's not the first time, Al. You've shown me a kind of unselfish love for the past three years I have never seen in anyone. Not even Donna.*_ There was a moment's pause before he added, _*if anything, Al,_ _you_ _need me most. I have already done for her what I can. Donna needs nobody's help now.*_

There was a hint of pride in Sam's thoughts that I knew was coming from the one leap that changed her and Sam's life drastically. _And mine._

 _*I love you, Al.*_ Sam thought softly, _*And I love her. I can't deny either of you. Oh, I wish you wouldn't be making me choose.*_

The predicament of his situation was getting to me. But now I realized I knew the answer. I don't know why I only thought of it then and not before. It was simple really.

"Oh, my Sam. You won't have to choose," I told him.

"What?" Donna suddenly appeared in my line of vision. I realized for the second time I had totally forgotten she was there.

I cleared my throat and steadied her in my embrace. "Sam won't have to choose between us, Donna, if..."

Her beautiful face brightened a little, probably realizing what I had in mind. "If?"

 _*Yeah, if?*_ Sam echoed inside.

"If we don't make him choose," I whispered and already she found my mouth with hers in an affirmative, arms encircling my back. There was that sweet taste again, but this time a kind of urgency accompanied it. The pleasure of it was surging through my veins, riding on the knowledge that Sam would approve of our actions if he knew. My body already approved as we intensified the kiss.

 _*Ooohh, Al.*_ There was a soft moan somewhere in the back of my mind, but I had too much on my hands to notice.

I let my fingers comb through Donna's unruly mob of hair and revelled in the softness of the wavy strands. Warmth was spreading through my entire body and I let myself be pushed backward onto the pile of hay. Donna laid her length alongside my body and let her right leg rest between mine, exerting the pressure of her weight. My hands were unbuttoning her loose shirt as her kisses showered my face.

_*Ohmighod, Al. Ahhh.*_

_Sam?_ I reached out with my mind again, vaguely surprised he was still there. _What's going on?_

 _*I don't know, Al. I feel, ahh. I haven't felt like this since that time I got stuck with your libido. Ohhh.*_ His heavy breathing was rubbing off on me and I could feel the sexuality between us intensifying.

I moved down a bit to embrace Donna inside her open shirt and softly moving my lips on her left breast. Sucking in her breath, Donna let her hands roam down my abdomen to find a way inside my pants and stroked me within the tight confines.

 _*Aaahhh.*_ Sam's overheated thoughts reached mine. _*What are you doing to me, Al?*_

 _I'm not doing anything. She's doing it all!_ I protested.

Donna arched into my kisses on her chest and moved her free hand to tangle my hair with. All nerves in my body were eagerly responding to her ministrations when a third hand, not my own, joined the one that was pumping fire into my bloodstream. My mind didn't need too long to figure out where the third hand was coming from.

_Sam! Don't tell me quantum physicists aren't above masturbation!_

_*Really, Al,*_ came a breathless reply, _*let's call it self-imposed pleasuring, shall we?*_

_I never would have guessed! Wait until I tell Katie!_

_*What the hell do want me to do?!*_ I could feel the urgency of his situation matched mine and my heart went out to him.

 _Get your gorgeous bod in here then,_ I suggested, _so we can finish the job together._

_*I'm still at least a mile from the farm, and I don't much enjoy the idea of riding like this.*_

_I dunno, it could be very stimulating._

_*You'll regret teasing me later,*_ he warned.

 _I can't wait._ I grinned as I let my tongue find and tease one nipple.

_*You won't have to, I'll make sure of that, Aahhh.*_

Donna had somehow freed me from my trousers and drew herself into a sitting position on me. She bent forward to claim a nipple of her own to suck and then it was my turn to arch into the touch.

When I got my bearings back for a moment I let my hands unbuckle her beautifully ornamented belt and slipped a hand inside. I stroked and teased till I had Donna so distracted that she let go of my chest and pressed into my hand. She moaned softly and her eyes slid shut in appreciation.

 _*Oh, ghod, Al,*_ Sam pleaded breathlessly, _*Make it good for her, Al. For me, make it good.*_

 _Anything_ , I vowed, _You're my Sam. I can deny you nothing._ And in fact denying this was the farthest thing from my mind right now. _I just wish you were here with me._

The hand that must have been Sam's was moving faster, building up toward orgasm. _Not yet, Sam,_ I called out to him, _let's make it last._

But there was too much urgency in Sam and he pushed himself toward completion, almost carrying me with him.

I resisted ecstasy by lingering on the edge and putting all my attention and arousal toward the woman that Sam had chosen.

She squirmed into my touch, reaching out again to stroke my chest and kiss one sensitive orb. One of her hands found its way once more down my abdomen and she let a finger tickle straining skin.

It felt good, but not like it had before. Something was missing. Sam wasn't there anymore. He wasn't participating. He had left me again.

_Sam!!_

For the second time that day I reached out and found only silence. This time seemed more lonely, however, more definite. I feared this silence was going to be permanent. _Does he not approve after all?_ some part of me that could still manage reasonable thoughts wondered. _Has he left me because I am here with his wife?_

_He despises adultery, you know that, ensign. But you had to do it anyway. Now you've really lost him. And it's your own fault! Your own damn fault._

My body - apparently oblivious to the turn of events - had set about to ease Donna out of her cotton pants and slip. I felt strangely detached as I saw the exquisite Donna lower herself on me and we slid together in a tight, almost perfect fit of human design. She bent to kiss me again and I felt my body responding and giving pleasure just as generously as it was getting, while in my mind it seemed as if I was looking at us from a distance. The feelings reached my groin, but they didn't reach my heart.

_Only one on this Earth who can do that. And he's left me._

A tear broke free and I shut my eyes against them. In the throes of passion, how could I be so lonely? How could my body just go on with the mechanics of lovemaking while there was no love in the world left for me now that Sam was gone?

I drew Donna close to me and tried to let the feelings of sensuality take over my body and soul. Her arms encircled my body eagerly and we set a slow rhythm to leisurely enjoy the feelings created between our two bodies. I let my fingers run through her long curly strands and concentrated on the feelings of passion, how they built, how they chased away all thought. Especially of...

_Sam._

My mind reached out in a desperate attempt to find my love. But he wasn't there anymore. This time he had really left me, and Donna was his legacy. _Take her then. She's yours._

But I couldn't do it. It wasn't working. I couldn't forget Sam the way I had tried to forget about Beth. I couldn't pretend anymore.

I stilled all movement between us and gave Donna a second to find her bearings.

"I can't," I whispered regretfully, holding her face in my hand till her eyes focused on mine. "I would love to love you, Donna. You're so beautiful, but I can't."

She started to speak, then seemed to change her mind. She didn't move away, but stayed locked in my embrace and just looked at me. I couldn't read her expression, and for the moment words were beyond me. We just stared at each other.

I couldn't explain what I had been about to do. And I couldn't explain why I couldn't go through with it after all. In the past I had been able to use sex as an escape for unpleasant realities, but not anymore. Why was that?

I couldn't tell her why, because I didn't know. Somehow sex just wasn't enough to fill the emptiness he had left in my soul.

 _Oh, Sam,_ I called out into the void. _I understand something now. For the first time in my life I understand love._ The realization washed over me in a flood of emotion and I drew in a deep breath of cleansing air. _You are my love. My only love. And I love anything you love, because you love it. Without you, there is nothing._

And so I couldn't take anything Sam wouldn't want me to have. His absence clearly told me he didn't approve of this. So I couldn't take his Donna.

"It's just not the same," I told her when I found I could speak again, "without Sam..." The thought hurt too much to end my sentence.

"Yes," Donna whispered huskily, "I guess, it's the three of us-"

"-or nothing at all." I finished.

It was true. And Donna knew it. She was as much part of Sam and me as we both were. It might have been a fluke of Time, but which one of our pasts was the more valid was indeterminable. Our lives were too much intertwined, because of too many pasts. From hereon in it would be either all of us or none of us. _But what if Sam can't handle that. What if he says no._

_What if he doesn't come back to fight over it? What if._

"What if I do?"

The sudden words stunned my mind into senselessness for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. We both looked up and saw Sam standing in the large barn opening, clad in only his loosened shirt. He walked toward us, seemingly unashamed about his nakedness.

"What if you do what?" Donna asked in a whisper. She was still lying half-on half-beside me, both of us locked unmoving in our sex the way we had been since a few minutes. To my surprise Sam seemed quite at ease with the situation. He didn't look disapproving.

"What if I do join you?" Sam said as he knelt on the stack of hay we were lying on and bent to kiss me, then Donna briefly. "Or would I be intruding?"

"No," Donna whispered, "you are quite welcome to join us."

I was staring at Sam breathlessly when he leaned over me to take Donna in a slow and sensuous kiss. I marveled at his presence here. Just when I thought I would never see him again, the kid turns up here as if nothing's wrong.

All rational thoughts seemed to have vanished from my mind as I failed to comprehend the situation. I forced myself to form a question and tried to reach him with my thoughts, testing our bond.

_Sam?_

He was there, I could feel it. So I continued.

_Sam, why are you here? Why aren't you halfway to New Mexico by now?_

_*Why, Al?*_ came the soft, loving reply. No sign of the anger I had feared to find in his mind. No sign of reproach for seducing his wife. I could find only love and the desire for pleasure in his thoughts. _*Don't you want me here anymore?*_ Sam asked innocently.

 _Oh, I do. God only knows how much I do. But I thought you'd despise me, despise what I was doing with your wife._ I couldn't see very well what was going on. First he shared our lovemaking then he left me. And now he's back and planning to join in the fun. _What's going on here, Sam? Are you trying to screw up my mind again?_

Sam broke the kiss he was sharing with his wife and moved to look at me. _*I wouldn't deliberately try to do that!*_ he defended himself. _*I broke the bond - as you call it - only for a little while, so I could safely get on my horse and ride back here. I couldn't risk you 'benefiting' from my ride. The state you were in that could have proven to be very embarrassing.*_

 _Why the hell didn't you let me know!?_ I yelled at him as loud as I could and yanked him to me by the collar of his shirt. _You scared the daylights out of me, you overgrown son of a dairy product! I didn't know you could just tune in and out as you please! I thought you had left me, us, because-_

My tirade was stilled by a kiss that overwhelmed all my senses.

 _*I'm sorry, Al.*_ Sam crushed us all together by embracing both Donna and me.

My arousal was reawakened inside Donna by the fire that Sam was sending through my body. It seemed to have a ricochet effect as Donna moaned at the mounting pressure inside her and Sam responded to her sounds of ecstasy and shared his pleasure with me through our kiss and our bond. My pleasure was his and his was mine. I eagerly sucked at his tongue and started to squirm to heighten the beautiful friction between me and Donna, reaching out to cuddle both Becketts close.

 _*I'm sorry,*_ Sam's words drifted in my mind, _*I should have told you. I thought you knew how to turn the bond on and off. I'll teach you, if you want.*_

Sam always seemed capable of rational thought when I had already given into a world of feelings and pleasure, where thought - especially the rational kind - was beyond me.

 _Later. Just don't ever leave me without warning again,_ I forced out desperately.

 _*I promise I will never leave you again.*_ Sam moved to lie on top of us both and Donna rolled off me a little to allow me some air. Not that I needed any, finding all my bodily necessities attended to at the moment.

Donna's hand reached Sam's genitals and I let mine follow suit. We were both stroking him and were rewarded by his deepening breathing. I could also feel his arousal inside me, heightening mine and driving me toward orgasm through its intensity. I let my free hand wonder towards Donna's womanhood and began stimulating her pleasure. Three ragged breaths threatened to get out of control.

At that moment I counted myself the luckiest man on earth. Not only did I have the woman I wanted, I also had the love of my life, bonded forever with a unearthly string that only we could see, that spanned time as well as space. Sensations were overwhelming me and I had to let them out.

"I love you," I told them both. As I felt myself nearing the peak of pleasure I silently sent Sam the same message in our special format.

_I love you, Sam._

Then I let myself be engulfed by endless waves of ecstasy.

_*I love you too.*_

Sam's words were the first thing my mind registered as I came down. They've been the first thing in my life ever since.

I opened my eyes and saw two pairs of gorgeous ones stare at me contentedly. Apparently I had taken them with me. Or they had taken me with them. Either way, the evidence that some of us had been taken along with the others was plainly visible on my stomach and chest.

Sam slid to one side and Donna to the other, slipping free of me in the process. They leaned over me to kiss each other softly. Leisurely, I let my eyes close for a moment to thoroughly enjoy the situation and to swiftly plan the rest of my life.

A hand stroking my stomach forced my attention back to my beautiful reality and I could see Sam and Donna playing with the fluid of our love-making.

"I shall never wash that stomach again," I breathed.

They giggled softly, contentedly and Sam touched my lips with sticky fingers before kissing me.

Donna sighed huskily. "You two look so good together, did you know that?"

 _'Good'?_ I wondered.

"'Good'?" Sam asked, "You mean you don't mind us doing -- you know." Sam faltered at the words he couldn't say, strangely reluctant to give our actions a name.

"Making love?" Donna provided pleasantly. She let her fingers run through Sam's thick hair, before continuing. "No, I don't mind. Do you? Me and Al, I mean. Doing -- 'you know'."

"No," Sam said. "But that's different. You're a woman and he's a man." He looked slightly embarrassed at stating the obvious. "I mean, _we_ are both men, and you might find it -- you know, when we -- y-you know."

_Great Sam, very eloquent, I must say._

A grin started to break free on Donna's face. "You guys really don't know the first thing about women, do you?"

We looked at each other for a moment, then back to her. We had no answer.

"Don't you know that for a woman, seeing two men making it together is very -- very -- you know?"

She got a blank stare from Sam. Then she got one from me. Then she gave up. "Never mind, you two. Just know that it's okay, I don't mind a bit." For emphasis she kissed Sam, then me and then invited us to finish the ritual.

I did, claiming Sam's mouth for my own and grimaced a little at the taste. _Getting saltier by the minute, kid._

 _*Hmmm*_ was Sam's only answer.

_Did you understand what she just said?_

_*She said she didn't mind.*_ Sam stated flatly.

 _Right,_ I agreed, knowing a diplomatic evasion when I saw one. _I didn't understand it either._

There was silence inside and outside ourselves for a while as we finished the kiss. Sam pulled back and looked at me thoughtfully.

 _*Al?*_ Sam said gently. _*You didn't tell us yet.*_

"What?" I realized I had spoken out loud.

"You're very tasty," Sam told me for Donna's benefit and bent to give me a reprise. _*What you think of this situation,*_ he clarified.

 _It was my idea, remember? I'm bound to like it._ Beautiful half-truths again.

_*You can't lie to me, Al. Wanna try again?*_

_I love you, Sam,_ I told him honestly. Not that that wasn't obvious by now. _I love every part of you. And Donna is a big part of you. I love her because she is. I love her because she belongs to you and me just as much as I belong to the both of you. She loves me for the same reason._ Sam broke the kiss and we both sucked in forgotten air. _And we both love you, Sam._

_*If you really mean that, Al, then that's enough for me.*_

_I do!_ I told him confidently.

In my heart I knew there were no guarantees in this life and only time would tell how this crazy plan of ours would work out. But from where I was it looked pretty damn good to me!

I hugged my male lover close for a moment and we both smiled. Donna sighed and whispered from beside us, "You two do look good together."

Then she kissed me slowly and seductively, her long hair covering my face like a soft cloud.

I could hear Sam sighing and whispering, "So do you."

I vaguely wondered if we did.

Donna then claimed her husband and it was my turn to sigh at a beautiful sight. "I guess the Big One Upstairs finally found the right script, cause you two are the most gorgeous people I've ever seen."

 _*And so are you.*_ Sam said gently.

Love for all the world was threatening to explode from my chest. I held open my arms and my lovers gladly moved into the embrace, filling my arms as well as my soul, until we were all completed.

What do you do when happiness comes in two shapes? You grab it with both hands and hold on for dear life.

_And the winner takes it all._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *4 Grim - the name was taken from the same book 'Fjalar' was taken from. The horse were companion horses, so I couldn't leave him out of this one. 
> 
> That's it, the end. Thank you for reading!  
> Comments are welcomed!

**Author's Note:**

> *1: Winner Takes It All - is the title of an ABBA song. They're Swedish, they don't care about getting the exact American expression right. ABBA rules. 
> 
> *2: George Lemaître - 'Lemaître proposed what became known as the Big Bang theory of the origin of the Universe, which he called his "hypothesis of the primeval atom" or the "Cosmic Egg".' - Wikipedia  
> In the series (episode Starcrossed with a young Donna) they refer to the Poetry of Physics by Lemaître. I've only seen references to his describing the universe in beautiful prose, but haven't found a poetry reference to Lemaître's supposed work. I'm going with the canon of the show, and I imagine it's a beautiful piece of poetry that Sam and Donna knew by heart. 
> 
> *3: The Bhagavad Gita - 'is a 700-verse Hindu scripture in Sanskrit that is part of the Hindu epic Mahabharata.' - Wikipedia. 'Bhagavad Gita of Hinduism is purely a spiritual document that encompassed everything relating to human beings and life on mother earth.' - Bhagavad Gita Summary Website.  
> What to say about the core of all spiritual knowledge to put a human on the path to enlightenment? I'll leave you to find your own answers. 
> 
> Regarding the funny names in this story:  
> * Vasterd - an old Dutch name I took, from meeting a very pretty actor a few years earlier. What can I say, I was young and - well - young!  
> * Fjalar - A horse from the book "The Brothers Lionheart" by Astrid Lindgren, a Swedish writer, who wrote Pippi Longstocking. If you're not familiar with the book, you've missed something growing up. 
> 
> If you have any other questions, PM or comment. I'll be happy to add more info. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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